my single greatest fear is that i will die alone

I am not sure how things are anymore.  I am off my meds.  I feel great so far.  Theres gotta be a catch. 

I am cutting all my hair off.  Im sick of it always being in my face and everything.  After almost 4 years... its tiome to get rid of the old mop. 

Unemployment ran out this week.  I gots to go get a job now.  Greg is getting a house here in pa and moving out of ny.  It will be nice to have someone I know here. 

Im tired.  Vicodin and marijuana make me drowsy... and Ive been up all night.  Might be a tad dopesick. 

yessss.....

SO I havent been here in a while.

the 4th was spent in upstate NY with some great people. 

I have this old friend who will remain nameless... Shes great.  We hooked up for a few months about 5 years ago.  We fell for one another.  One day while Im working late, I get a phone call from my friend Joe.  He sounds wasted, and keeps telling me he fucked up.  I try to get him to calm down and get him to tell me whats up.  HE says he hooked up with she at a party.I told him not to worry.  It wasnt like we were dating or anything.  She calls me 15 minutes later hysterical saying that Joe tried to rape her.  I decided that day that I couldnt trust either of them.  I stopped talking to both of them for a while.  I met this girl named Niki shortly after that...

So She and I have had some crazy ups and downs in the past few years.  We never really stopped loving each other. I was there when she fell.  She would call me crying on my gfs cell phone, and nicole didnt like that one bit.  I would be  the one to pick her up.  She called me once about a year ago from colorado crying, telling me that I was the only one  who felt like home.  I think I knew then what was meant to happen.  We are two completely different particles on the same wavelength.  I'm in her head because I'm in my own. 

Fast forward...

Out of the 7 days I was back on Long Island, I spent 4 of them with her.  She's so awesome.  I think I chose the wrong girl all those years ago.  I was gonna dance around the subject a bit with pretty words and blah blah blah but there's really no more to say on the matter.  FUCK!

I did some dumb shit the other day and popped out a few blades from the mach 3 refills.  I was a bit smarter about it this  time.  Nothing visible. 

I want to admit here that I am deathly afraid of being alone.  Of dying without being noticed.  I feel invisible to the waking world. 
I am lost.

I wanted to start working on the crazy house EP, but I've not been motivated enough to get around to doing it.  WOrking on stupid shit mostly.

MAYHEM Festival in eight days wihe greg, heather, and loren.  I cant wait.  BLack Dahlia Murder, JFaC, Killswitch Engage.  FUCK YES>>>

STAY METAL m/

Sometimes the truth hurts more than lies
Found that life meant nothing today,
Forgot the very next morning
And why can't our bodies reset themselves
Won't you please reset me

I am comfortably confused and thats no thanks to you
Turn off the stereo and put us in a different direction

Found out that humanity lost its way
Not according to radio and TV
But what has questioning ever gotten us
Hold your tongue, better watch your mouth
He is a man lurking
But what has speaking out ever gotten us

I am comfortably confused and thats no thanks to you
Turn off the stereo and put us in a different direction
What has worrying gotten us, I don't believe its safe

Babe, I think that I'd like to leave,
This place gives me the creeps
When I think about truth
Cold sweat, your breath it chills
Cheap thrills not above
Or what they cracked up to be
Just come with me, and we'll run away

Where the weathers warm and the skies are gold
Just come with me and we'll run away

I am comfortably confused and thats no thanks to you
Turn off the stereo and put us in a different direction
What has worrying gotten us, I don't believe its safe

-I See Stars "Comfortably Confused"

I can feel you cutting yourself.  Right on the scar you left me with. 

New York tomorrow.  Cant wait to get out of this place.

Please peep the new track.  Its called "Elusive Emotion".  I wrote and produced the whole thingy solo.  I'm fucking back baby.  The way things are progressing, I will be done recording the album by the end of the summer. 

PLEASE...

FEEDBACK PEOPLE!!!!

GO to my audio section.

stay metal m/

I haven't been here in a while.  I really don't have much to say. 

I've had to lower the dosage on my meds because I'm running out.  Cutting them in half.  I would go see someone about a refill, but there's a waiting list for mental health in PA.  I feel better than I have in ages, which is strange because... I was given this medication to better myself.  We will have to wait and see.

Michael Jackson is dead.  I have yet to look into how.  The King of Pop...  Oh man!!!  I remember jamming to Rock With You when I was 5.  He was my first favorite artist.  The beginning of my musical identity.  Michael... you will be missed.

Killswitch Engage.  American Melodic Death Screamo.  I don't know waht else to call it.  Oh... Pop Metal.  That works.  It's amazing, by the way.  Guess its name lol.

So I've sorta been talking to my friends exgirlfriend.  I don't know what's going on, but I do know I've decided to let wahtever may happen happen... end of story.  I haven't spoken to my friend about it yet.  Does that make me scummy?

I will put the audio up soon...

theres nothing more to say.

When is it gonna be my turn to love again?  This solitude is too much for me.   

Condemned.
My regret is not writing more for You, Lord.
As this ocean comes to be deeper our vessel becomes less stable.
Look to the sky.
Encourage the elements of God,
Rather than the jars that contain them.
If only the ingredients of man were of such elements.
If only.
With great horror, I admit that we all live off the lust and misfortune of others.
All live off the lust and misfortune of others.
This is vision, not contradiction.
I see greed in the face of a priest,
And deterioration in the walls of cathedrals.
What was right, now wrong,
Casts a cold reflection of glory.
Look to the sky

-The Devil Wears Prada "Big Wiggly Style"

I believe it was 2006.  Summer.  We were in and out of a relationship.  Miserable.  Doing lots of drugs together and by myself.  We smoked some weed.  There were razorblades lying around the house, probably from all the coke we were doing.  I don't know how it came about but she heated up the razorblade while I put down a towel.  She cut me first.  One slice which is now a lil white mark on the inside of my left wrist.  She drank of my essence.  She pressed her mouth hard to mine.  The taste of her mixed with blood... I couldn't take it.  I cut her next.  By the end of the night, we each had cuts on our necks, wrists, and inner thighs.  At one point I remember fucking her and she was jamming our wrists together.  After it was all over, we agreed we would wait to do it again bexcause of the dangers it posed.  We did it again the next night... more blood this time.  I recall us both being covered in it by the time the nightwas over.  We decided never to do it again.  We never did. 

IN OTHER NEWS>>>

Did anyone watch the season premiere of True Blood?  If you didn't, I suggest you check it out.  Hottest sex scene I have ever seen... EVER... Hot, bloody vampire sex.  

Oh... To be a child of the night...

Can you imagine it?  The majesty.  The emptiness. 

</3 

So...

I just got back from NY yesterday. It was an interesting trip. I got there around 4 pm Wednesday. There ended up being a lil party on my behalf. At some point in the night, I was laying in bed wondering what I was doing in NY. Thinking about Nicole... which led to me thinking about how I couldnt be held accountable for what I may do if I run into her and her new boyfriend. I'm not a violent guy usually. I just can't stop contemplating painting the walls with this guys gray matter. I'm gonna shut up now on that subject.

Katie was up from Georgia as well. I haven't seen her since I went down to Savannah for St. Patrick's Day. She walked up as I came out for a cigarette. She grabbed me and held me and told me she loved me. Katie's mere presence dissolves all exgirlfriend hurt. I tell you all now... for your own good. Don't... if you can help it... fall in love with your best friend. I wish I could artfully express the wide array of emotions surging thru me as a result of that last statement. All of a sudden I feel very sick.

There was so much I wanted to say when I sat down and starting typing. Now...

I had to stop. Relax. I sat and played guitar for an hour and now I have a cigarette. I can still feel that tingle in my spine. It's simultaneously uncomfortable and familar. I have under conttrol. I do. I have a fucking headache.

The new Eminem cd is amazing. It's drug rap. Lovely.

As Blood Runs Black is holding an open tryout over myspace. They put an instrumental track up for download, and I have to write lyrics and record the vocals. Then I send it away and hope they call me back. I'm going to do this. They wont be able to deny how great it is once they hear it. If anyone is interested, go to myspace.com/numeira and check out some of the tracks up there to get an idea of what I bring to the table vocally.

I have no idea what's going on. Sometimes my world spirals and I can't get control of it.

So...

I just got back from NY yesterday. It was an interesting trip. I got there around 4 pm Wednesday. There ended up being a lil party on my behalf. At some point in the night, I was laying in bed wondering what I was doing in NY. Thinking about Nicole... which led to me thinking about how I couldnt be held accountable for what I may do if I run into her and her new boyfriend. I'm not a violent guy usually. I just can't stop contemplating painting the walls with this guys gray matter. I'm gonna shut up now on that subject.  New York is dead.   

Katie was up from Georgia as well. I haven't seen her since I went down to Savannah for St. Patrick's Day. She walked up as I came out for a cigarette. She grabbed me and held me and told me she loved me. Katie's mere presence dissolves all exgirlfriend hurt. I tell you all now... for your own good. Don't... if you can help it... fall in love with your best friend. I wish I could artfully express the wide array of emotions surging thru me as a result of that last statement. All of a sudden I feel very sick.

There was so much I wanted to say when I sat down and starting typing. Now...

I had to stop. Relax. I sat and played guitar for an hour and now I have a cigarette. I can still feel that tingle in my spine. It's simultaneously uncomfortable and familar. I have under conttrol. I do. I have a fucking headache.

The new Eminem cd is amazing. It's drug rap. Lovely.

As Blood Runs Black is holding an open tryout over myspace. They put an instrumental track up for download, and I have to write lyrics and record the vocals. Then I send it away and hope they call me back. I'm going to do this. They wont be able to deny how great it is once they hear it. If anyone is interested, go to myspace.com/numeira and check out some of the tracks up there to get an idea of what I bring to the table vocally.

I have no idea what's going on. Sometimes my world spirals and I can't get control of it.