August 14, 2013

  • I miss you today.  this sucks.  I feel like every time I put myself out there like hat, I get burned.  I dont even know waht happened.  All I know is that now I must move on with my life.  I never thought anyone would ever do me like niki did.  I feel that way about it, though.  I cant help it.  I love her, and she disappeared.  She said I changed.  She was the one who changed.  Grew cold and distant.  Changed the plans without even letting me know.  Used me when she needed emotional support and left as soon as I needed it.  Whatever.  Fuck it.  New meds.  Waiting for the vistaril to kick in. 

July 1, 2013

  • I feel like everythinghas come full circle.  After 3 years of wellness, I am falling to pieces.  Its like the past 4 years didnt happen.  Its like I am just out of the hospital and living in my parents basement, mourning the loss of everything I was.  I entire world is slipping thru my fingers.  I just want out of here.

May 12, 2013

  • I really dont want to move to florida. I really hope she will take my wishes into consideration when it comes time to make a decision.

May 6, 2013

  • ummmm… Some days, it is a beautiful thing.  Some days… not so much.  I know that love is a real thing, and it takes work if you intend to make it last.  We are leaving new york.  It pleases me to say that.  Very much so. 

March 24, 2013

  • So, it seems like history has a really strange, painful way of repeating itself.  She is talking to someone else.  This whole time?  I dont know.  I want to take her word for it when she says it has never happened before now, and I want to believe that she’s sorry, but I can’t.  I can’t.  I had so much faith in  us.  I thought that it was going to be different.  It isn’t any different.  At all.  It’s just like any other time/  The same as any other female Ive let into my life in the past ten years.  I really need to re-evaluate my taste in women.

March 13, 2013

  • You know, if you wanted to know how I was doing, you could just call me.  I know he hates me for whatever reason, but I would like to think that somewhere in your wacky brain that you still think of me as a friend, as i think of you.  I mean, I am sort of proud of what you have done, if I am correct, that is.  And you could comment anonymously.   But since you check here often enough, I will tell you how I feel.  I am lost right now.  Is it right when a woman tells a man that she misses things her exes did, and wishes he would do them for her?  Is it okay?  I need a married woman’s perspective haha.  The worst part it is that no matter what I say, she doesn’t ever see herself in the wrong for the things she says.  I tell her how I feel about them and she pisses on the words as they reach her ears. 

    {{She tells me I don’t understand.  She also thinks of all my exes more than I do.  She gets mad about Katie and Niki, and I haven’t spoken to Niki in about a year.  She asks me if I would leave her for Niki, given the chance.  I ask her if she’s out of her fucking mind.  She doesn’t treat me like such shit all the time.  When it happens, it’s bad.  She never realizes how much these things hurt me.  I don’t know how I can ever be good enough when I am constantly being compared the ones that came before me.  They must have been great, considering how they’re not around anymore. 

    I am trying, but none of it is good enough. 

     

    What do I do?  Where do I go from here?

     

February 3, 2013

  • My girlfriend doesn’t like the idea of me going back to church.  That makes me sad.  Very sad. 

January 11, 2013

  • Did I do a horrible thing today? 

    I think so. 

    I said something out of anger to my girlfriend that I probably shouldn’t have said.  I said that she’s not self sufficient.  That must have struck a chord with her, and now she doesn’t want to talk to me.  She pushes all of my buttons, then I am the bad guy when I blow my fucking lid.  I love her, and I don’t wanna be that person that comes out when we argue.  I know she loves me… why can’t I just be in a stable relationship?  I didn’t mean what I said, and now there’s no way to take it back.  I have to figure out a way to get the mean out of me.  Get it out before it all boils over and I scream at her.  I can’t expect her to tolerate another outburst from me like I had today.  I just wish I had an outlet.    

    I did bad thing with razors today.  I couldn’t stop myself.  Those fusion razorblades suck for cutting.  They aren’t sturdy, and bend when you apply any signifigant amount of pressure to them.  i had to settle for a bunch of small incisions, as opposed to one or two big cuts that I would normally do.  I haven’t done this since July. 

    I have not been able to write for some time now.  I just have trouble getting out what I want to say in rhyme or thru the instrumentals.  I sit there and just stare at the screen for hours, and that makes me mad. 

    I want to be better than this.  I can’t figure out how to be.  

     

    This is so pathetic. 

     

July 7, 2012

October 7, 2011

  • I am so done with this trip.  I dont think the friend I saved at the beginning of this trip has any appreciation for what ive done for him.  Im done with this trip.  When I say something like that, I feel selfish.  I dont want to be praised for it… All I want is for someone to realize this shitty fiscal situation im in.  I feel bad enough abouit it, and I really dont want to have to bother Joel for the money to finiosh this out… he said he would, but my pride denies me this.  I dont have much of a choice.  I have 23 dollars in my pocket.  I dont know what to do.  Back at home I make thousands a month, but here It’s back to 17 year old jobless Will.  Really, it’s credit cardless Will.  I need to grab me one of those when I get home.  I wouldnt be worried right now if had one.  I feel so bad.  I thought of cutting myself just five minutes ago… I keep praying with the hope that I will actually learn something from this.  

     

    8 more days AND IM COMPLETELY LOST!

     

    WRITING DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, EITHER