i think i miss you…

I have no idea…

I only come here and post when I’m sad.  I’m not sad currently, so I haven’t posted anything. 

ha!

so…

No more being sad.  I have decided this.  No more negative posts about emo things that mean nothing in the long run. 

Dawn of a new day
Never looked as good as this

sad day… i miss her… this sucks…

cut to the bone

being the only christian in the area is a lonely affair.  bleh

There’s no one I can call and talk to about this… there’s no support structure. 

I’m lost.  I haven’t felt like this in ages.  I haven’t been scared in so long. 

I miss ashley… something awful… but I’m an “asshole” so she won’t talk to me. Do you have a minute so I can tell you the story?

When I got back from the mission, she expressly asked me not to preach to her, and I told her that I’m not preachy.  A few days later she hit me up and said that she gets it, that her soul is a gift and being a gift she can do whatever she wants with it.  I told her it didn’t work like that.  She then begins to tell me about the extra-marital relations she’s having and how shes not drinking anymore, and that’s all that matters.  I told her that that’s not how it works.  I told her that what she was saying sounded like something straight out of the satanic bible.  I told her to give me some time and that I couldn’t talk to her.  She whatevers me.  I unfriend her on facebook.  I wake up in the morning to this mean message saying,”I asked you not to talk to me about God.  You’re an asshole and you know how I roll, why would you do that?  Goodbye and have a nice life.”

She I the one who started the conversation.  If you know me, you would know it’s in my nature to stand my ground, whatever the cost.  I am in love with this poison bitch.  I gave that up for God.  I’m shaking right now just thinking about it.  The pain is almost intolerable.  I know that if I bleed it out I will feel better, but that isn’t an option.  It’s becoming a chore… all this…

I am sinking into the void, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

Help…

so… im disappointed in myself… i smoked today… ten days sober and i fucked it up…

Maybe some people will say that weed is no big deal, but i can feel the change in my mood.  I am very sad.  I am nervous about the future.  Can I offer some insight?  This is not the excuse, just the events leading up to me smoking…

I didnt have a ride to church.  I cried a lil.  I cant help but get so upset.  I tried to pray but couldnt sit still, so I went for a walk.  While out, I  ran into someone I used to sell to and they tried to get me to smoke.  I said no, and they insisted I take a bag for whenever I want to smoke.  I took it.  I got home.  I Kept getting anxious and figured I’d try and calm myself down.  I smoked.

It didnt work.  I feel alone… cut off from everything. 

I think Im going to download the Insanity Workout and try it out.  How can it hurt?  HAha

oH MAN!!!!

all is wonderful currently… except for the tree that attacked me today…Go listen to woe of tyrants… sound jerusalem…amazing song

so… its been a long while…

I’ve found Him again!!!! Or maybe it’s better said that I returned to the fork in the road where I walked away from Him.  God and I have always had a sordid relationship.  I have finally come to the conclusion that I can’t get thru my life on my own.  I can’t… and neither can you.  There are so many crazy, life-altering implications that ccome with this tho…

I can already feel myself withdrawing from my normal circle of friends.  All they do is talk about weed and now that it’s no longer a part of my life, I can’t help but feel aloof.   God will provide for me, this I know.

<jesus3

so… im a lil disappointed in myself for being here…

Everythings going ok… i told her I dont wanna get attached again so its not physical.  and I dont wanna get attached again… I do miss her… or is it that i miss having someone around who thinks the non-linear processes by which they get thru the day are normal, like me? 

I dunoo… this is what I do tho, dont I?  Deconstruct every lil thing down to its basest form… Til its not about her and myself but chemical reactions in our brain and the lengths we go thru to achieve them. 

bahh…
it might sound like Im having a terrible weekend, but Im not lol. 

I feel stressed.  terribly so… I’m not sure what’s irking me exactly… I should be writing. I am watching rap battles.  Not progress.  I want this done by june.  I’m slacking today.  What I’m worried about more than anything is an entire mixtape of filler garbage.  I’m trying to avoid that… Trying to be patient.  I know I can bang out 7 tracks in a day, but there are things in the way of that.  I can record them on this computer, but the sound quality is shit.  I need that pro sound… time to get out of the basement… just sayin… anyway>>>>> I could be writing shit right now, but I cant seem to write unless in in the lab and it’c crunch time… It’s more like I’m freestyling with a rough draft beforehand… that sounds silly but my freestyle is sillier, I assure you.

Making beats time…