So today wasnt terrible, but it wasnt good... I was in a shit mood all day... woke up sad...  just having a whole lot of trouble keeping it together.  I almost crieed a hundred times at least today.  IThe most I could hope for is a better tomorrow. 
Its a shame that Arjen has stopped producing Ayreon albums... but I guess we still have guilt machine and star one... both great bands.  Star One remains true to the rock opera style that Arjen is known for, but Guilt Machine is a band with one frontman... both have his style and grace... mmmm space metal...  To sum up how I feel right now, Ive taken two lines from him...

Longing, hoping, waiting, for no one
The age of shadows has begun.

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So... valentines day... I have a feeling this one isnt gonna suck as much as the last one did...It's an interesting situation I'm in, to say the least.  

I cant wait to see In Flames on this years mayhem fest... or to hear the new album, which is due out this summer.  The only thing that could possibly make that better would be the addition of a band like MArionette, 36 Crazyfists, or Times of Grace.  If have never heard that last one, I suggest you all look into it.  It's the guitarist and creative force behind Killswitch Engage's solo project.  Now guess who covers vocals on this one... None other than ex-KSE vocalist Jessie Leach.  Yea!!!! The real KSE vocalist.  YEA!!!!! Tthe one who sang My Last Serenade well... So excited...

I've been hard at work on the Focus MAN!!! demo lately.  I'm not quite sure what sparked the recent refueling of the rhyme tank, but I'm loving it thoroughly.  All the new beats are amazing.  The new rhymes are coming along nicely.  I have recently been trying to conjure up new avenues of creative thought, and have ended up with a hip-hop/post-rock/ambient sound that allows me to be as nuanced as I please without the finished product being drawn out.  I hope it all comes together as I envision it.  The lyrical content has grown more serious lately, although I still find time to re-visit my wicked heritage.  You can sample some wicked shit (It's me and this radio rapper kid Flipo from up here in PA.) at this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xj4wzeSTY8g. MY verses are truly wicked

  I can't wait for September.  I know that it's so distant, but the idea of a formal education has never appealed to me more.  Amanda wants to open a bakery.  She asked me if I would be willing to pick up pastry in school.  It's a novel idea, I must admit.  Maybe I'll take a course come September.  It couldn't hurt to diversify.  

I feel...

...hollow.

It's worse than it was when I woke up... Sucks.

I want to feel the razor...
I feel used, or like I just spoke to nicole.
Waiting for the xanax to take effect.

Falling...
This isn't good

I don't feel very good right now. I can sum this up better with this:

Even after all these years
Your scent still clings to this place
I stand paralyzed in the center of the room
Ignorant to the stones falling upon me
But how am I supposed to look away
Knowing that I will never taste you again
The gasp and the exhale replaced with silence
My senses fail me
I pray for tranquillity
Hoping for a passageway
And finding locked doors.

Ugh

So I tried again last nite. Xanax and drinks.. Didn't work clearly. I'm all fuZy now. I. Feeling very lost. Why am I the only fucking guy in the world infected with this borderline personality disorder? I'm out of it.

I miss you

Fuckin whole big fuckoff post deleted by the fuckin iPod.grr

So I've misread the whole situation. Gabba and I ended it. It was awkward. It's not awkward anymore. I'm glad we ended it b4 either one of us got attached. That is all gdnite

So... I'm not sure what has been going on lately. I'm not sure if nicole and I were actually talking, or I made that all up in my head. I'm not sure I've made the right choice in dating gabba. It's awkward. I really cant do this w her. All I feel is emptiness. It's an ache that I've been living with for so long... I can't be the person she needs me to be. I can't be who I need me to be, for that matter. I wanna cry but she's sitting 5 feet away from me and I don't wanna explain myself. I can't help but think of all the chances I've missed. I feel like I'm gonnavomit. I have a friends wedding on Sunday and I don't wanna go. This kid that nicole cheated on me with is in the bridal party. All I have to look forward to is LSD with launchpad and devin townsend on the 28th. Fucking dev. Can't wait.

I'll post again soon lovlies

Im dying... of this i am positive... everything hurts...

Ummmm.... The new Numeira riffs are nuts... We might change the name.

I have nothing to blog about.  Its sad.  I start to type about one thing or another.... like a real blog and not an online diary...  I end up deleting it all... Like it doesnt matter... because it doesnt... I could never accurately convey my feelings to you with words... I need you to open your mind if Im to share with you... I need our heartstrings to resonate harmoniously... I literally need you to feel me... with every fiber of your being... This torrent that is me flooding into you...

Eh fuck it

It comes from deep within
So swiftly without warning
A place that no one speaks of
Cares not for what's at stake
The beast tears into walls of the soul
Incessantly

Then breaks loose
Writhing and wretched
It breathes genocide
Upon the fiber of your being
Until nothing remains

Hosting monstrosities
Body becomes a vessel
Controlling every step that's made
If left undone, true self expires
For all time

May silence keep you always
Pray for the death
That you wrought
Walk with me
Come feel the light once more

Releasing this ghost of ages
Transforming before my very eyes
Reflection not my own
Descending to lifeforms unknown

Evolving within to find a way
To cross the line, staying alive
Release me, be done with me
Become no more
-Across The Sun "May Silence Keep you"