IVe been thinking about nicole alot lately... I keep having dreams of her... I know its just my brain, but I feel like something is keeping her in my mind... i should rephrase that and say someone is...  But Ive felt like that from the start... I dunno... I was gonna type something but decided not to.

I broke up with melissa this past week.  I feel like I shouldnt have let it go on for as long as it did... and I hurt another human being in the process...I feel like a dick but it had to be done...

Which bring me to my next topic... It seems like the females IVe been meeting lately are lacking awesomeness.  I know it sounds silly, but Nicole was amazing with this... What I mean by awesome is someoneone I can be comfortable with, be silly...someone funny and REAL...someone I can fall in love with...

I dont know anymore... Im in ny... i cant wait for the devin townsend show.... fuck...

EDIT(3:39 am): I know you read this... im not a moron... I wanted to share a memory with you...Remember the Carole King and HIM CDs I got you?  I had forgotten that you like(d) her until I came across Carole King On Livenation.  The tickets are only 40 dollars... I thought you might wanna know.  I think Im gonna go die now...

Do you remember that I used to sing?

learn to give up fear
(then you'll) learn to be a friend
several secrets of life
wont be learned til you die..
birth, work, breath
smile, awaken, observe
elope, breed
look into my eyes and believe in me
nurture, divorce
suffer, cry
acknowledge existence
discover, die
look into my eyes and believe in me
cleanse yourself of guilt
unlearn jealousy
universal vehicle
voice of infinite freedom
look into my life and bleed for me
birth work breathe
nurture cry
acknowledge existence
discover, die
look into my life and bleed for me
soon our host will grow ill from age
and the homes of today will be tomorrows tomb
bleed for me

what is there to say now... Besides I dont know why that whole thing happened... how did i let that sillyness go on for that long?  Why?  I have no idea... but I could really give a shit lesss currently.  I have bigger things to worry about... like getting stuck in ny and going to the devin townsend show... its gonna be awesome tho, I fucking know it.  Sometimes I feel crazy... sometimes not soooo much.  RIght now im high and hanging out... bedtime... yesss... ipod...no work til tuesday

sweetdreams

so I just went back into my old comments and now Im crying... I did it to myself... fuck

cuttothebone

I would give you everything but I dont have anything... Just these crazy daydreams... and they are not worth anything

so the only person who checks this is a mystery person from ny with a safari browser.... wonder who that could be... HEY there mystery person... you can leave comments on my page without even having an account... make yourself known...

Someone from canada checked 24 pages of my blog 2 days ago... strange...

I am not happy... well... sorta... The things I expect to go well are not doing so... at all.  THe things that are going well are unexpected.  I dont cry that often anymore.  THats gotta count for something.  NUMEIRA IS BACK TOGETHER>>>>granted its just jon(guitarist) and I writing music, but its happening again.... with ton and vin gone we can really focus on what Numeira was meant to be: An amazing fuck-off metal band.  I cant believe this is happening. 

I still miss her sometimes... PEople tell me thatas normal but I dont feel it should be.   SHe moved on.  Why cant I?  I mean... im not sasying im stuck on her memory or anything, but sometimes I find myself thinking waht she is doing that that second.  Sometimes I hope she thinks of me and cant help but weep. 

devin townsend show in 9 days... I cant wait....

Hide away from it all
Say tomorrow it comes, and then...
I'm alone.
Suppose...
I know...I know...
The demons call
Hide away from it all
Say tomorrow it comes, and then...
I'm alone.
Suppose...
I know...I know...
The demon call...
-Devin Townsend Project  "Demon League"

Ive managed to upset myself quite a bit already today. I just fucking woke up too...

It seems I dint really know what to do with myself unless I'm dying on the inside. Most things are going so well presently and I cant help but think about when it's all gonna fall apart. Or maybe I just need something to be wrong. What if this "happiness" is the wrongness I feel in my heart right now? Maybe it's just being in NY... Maybe this place really is the void. These people are wearing down my spirit. I don't know. Empty. I think I'm gonna cry.

working today... not going to the wake... I really don't give much of a shit. Fuck it, right?

Everything's a novelty
Everyone grows but me

Close one eye
Step to the side
Everyone grows but me

Everyone's in fragments
Close one eye
Step to the side
-Between The Buried And Me "Mirrors"

Hmmm.... seems like Im getting a lot of visitors recently.

I hate getting stuck here in New York. Im leaving here on the 20th to go back to PA. I miss the woods something awful. I wish I could go to church recently, but I really dont feel like I can show my face w/o being embarrassed. Besides being stuck in NY, everything is wonderful. I just need to find a band. It sorta doesnt feel right... being happy... I mean there are things that could be better, but why complain anymore. When I feel empty, I swallow xanax and I feel numb after that. Its fine I guess. Im fine I guess. Im no longer despairing anymore... that has to count for something. Ill have to elaborate on this more later... Brian is coming to pick me up for work.

Society made to destroy souls.
Bound, gagged, silence us all, rewards too small.

Watch your plans unfold, lead me to the ledge.
Make me walk the path into the sea of endless misery.

Lead me blindfolded into the cell where i'll remain evermore.
Clip these wings, artificial success, no results, lost souls, tense times shared.

You rule supreme, yet you rule not over me.
Our precious time spend adding fuel to your raging flame.

Accelerate your growth,
the power lies in your hands.
The rocks fall still, the cliffs erode.
No satisfaction found down your road.

Resistance felt from this brick wall, it stands strong.
Withstand your fire, untouched by your iron claw.

Buried alive, i'll work these coffin nails free.

Through tinted lenses, your sunset will not draw me in.
Cut the chord, i'll chase my light.

The foundations laid beneath me strong hold me high.
Stand my ground, reclaim my place.
Unlike moths drawn to light.
Avoidance proves its worth.

Glorious this failure, drowning makes the water taste like wine.
-Viatrophy "The Ethereal Darkness"

this sums it up...

I will always feel. And I will always care
I wish she was my enemy
But I'm still waiting here for her to hold my hand
For her to steal my breath
For her to pick up the pieces of promises never kept
She moves in slow motion.
Sonically as the rain.

-Bleeding Through "Love In Slow Motion"

heres some updates for you...

I have a girlfriend now. 
My ex(who is also one of my bestest friends ever) eants to be friends and get close again but pretty much tell me to fuck off when it comes time for her or I to be with someone. 

To Nicole,
How come every time we try and get close Im left so profoundly empty?  I have waited for a year for you to reach out to me, and I ended up turning your friendship down.  These tears are a testament to our love for one another.  And Im sorry I ever doubted your love for me.  I just wish that we could be the friends we promised we'd be to one another all those years ago. 

The way home
Lined with all the things that you have learned.
The way home...
The lights are on, but we're still getting burned.
Show to me, The way I found the grey lines honed.
So hollow now... Show's over now...
The way I'm lighting all the faces you have turned.
The way is high.
Glad to know the greatest thing I knew...I always knew.
So hollow now... Show's over now... And I've wasted time on daylight...
I won't be knocked down, show the way. (I've only time now)
So hollow now... Show's over now... And I've wasted time on daylight...
I won't be shown the way home.
-Devin Townsend Project "The Way Home!"