I've been wondering lately what a gun barrel would taste like.
Why are they making Twilight movies?
Am I ever going to get thru this?
If there are 10 dimensions and the 11th is time, would the 12th dimension be God?
Kiefer Sutherland is the fucking man.
I keep thinking of the first time I bled willingly. I did not cut myself. She did.
Will I ever find a band worth playing with here in Pa?
Love is all we are. The rest amounts to nothing.
I don't feel real. I'm treading bullshit. Swimming in shades of gray. Empty.
Maybe one day people will realize the damage they do to one another.
I wish I could eternal sunshine the past 4 years out of my head. Erase her from my existance. Fucking... fuck. This isn't good.
I fucking don't have the strength for this. I can't move myself out of my seat. Staring at this godforsaken box all day.
I'm tired of waiting
I'm tired of fading
I'm sick of being oppressed
through all the failing
I'm syncopated
at least it's off my chest
Disruptr
you're kind of fading
don't be a baby
I'm sick of being obsessed
through all the mating
master debating
God knows i'd settle for less
but
I come from the
centre of the universe
and I've no time for these
distractions
Disruptr
somebody get me alone
I need to feel at home
I need a brain massage
somebody get me a doctor
I feel a bit ill
but i ain't feeling this at all
no
I am from the
centre of the universe
and i've no time for these
symptoms of your universe
I come from the
master of the universe
and I've no time for these
distractions
so here's what it means to be
be a man about it
you don't forget the family
be a man
so what if it kills you
oh, be a man about it
be a God damned man...boy
oh be a man about it
let's go down to the beach
we'll sit in the womb
I come from the
master of the universe
and I've no time
for these
symptoms of your universe
I come for the
center of the universe
and I've no time for these
centers of your universe
I come for the
center of the universe
and I've no time for these
distractions
straying away
from the dark sides of hell
the world
the world is the same
darkness
-Devin Townsend Project "Disruptr"
So I went for my shrink thingy yesterday...
That's what I thought it was for. It turns out that It's a drug rehab place. Because of my drug history, the asshole doctors at LIJ figured I needed a hand. I went into the hospital clean and sober. 7 sober days. Since I've gotten out, I haven't been sober. Just smoking some weed. A bit o Percs. Eh, whatever. I am not going back there. Gonna look for a good christian shrink.
^That last sentence is probably bullshit. Just give me my scrip and leave me alone.
The doctors threw around the words "Borderline Personality Disorder" alot. I guess Krisy was right. Fucking a. I keep telling myself I can make this go away on my own. I'm 23... this is unacceptable. Gotta be stronger than this. Depending on prescriptions to better myself. What have I become?
I miss long island. Coming back wednesday. I cant fucking wait.
I had a dream about Nicole last night. We were just laying. I kissed her lips... her hips... I swear I could taste her. This shit is crazy. I had one about Christine while I was in the hospital. She came to me on a sunny day by the beach. She kissed me and just looked at me. I broke down and told her
I had been waiting for 5 years. She asked me to marry her. Rather she looked up at me and whispered, "Are you going to ask me?" She said yes. I woke up.
It doesn't hurt when I think of Christine. It was so long ago... I smile at some of the memories, but all in all... I really didn't know her. At all. I got to know Nicole a little too well. Got well acquainted with that part that no one wants to know. It still hurts. It shouldn't. I should be past this.
On the upside... 17 days no cutting.
What would it take, for things to be quiet? Quiet like the snow.
Cause I know this isn't much, But I know I could, I could be better.
I don't think I deserve it,
Selflessness, find your way into my heart.
All stars could be brighter, All hearts could be warmer.
What would it take for things to be quiet, quiet like the snow?
Are we meant to be empty handed?
I know I could be better.
I don't think I deserve it,
Selflessness, find your way into my heart
All stars could be brighter, all hearts could be warmer.
What would it take, find your way into my heart
What would it take for things to be quiet?
-The Devil Wears Prada "Louder Than Thunder"
I just don't know how to use it.
So I was discharged from the hospital.
I went in around 9:00, and I didn't get to see the doctor until 3:30 afuckingm. Already there's something wrong with this picture. The emergency room is saying they discharged me while she's admitting me. Oh... Ok... I'm worried at this point. I don't know why.
So I'm in there. I was expecting something different. It smelled... not like a hospital. Met some really cool people. That sounds strange, but it is true. There were some interesting people as well... The man who thought the quarters for the payphone determined what year it was... the same man who on occaison thought he was a 14 year old girl. THE SAME MAN>>>who believed that his dreams leaked out into existance... like he was in Sphere or he was God... And the martian man... FREEMAN!!!! hahaha... wtf... The friends in there... They were the real therapy. Good people... really good...
Then I realized that I wasn't as crazy as I had originally thought. Just some crossed wires... or something. PArt of my discharge plan was to move back in with my parents in Pa. It's weird... Being here. Never thought I would be sleeping here... eating here... every day here...
I dont even know where my head is wandering to at this point. I just wanna babble to this little box. Strange... Zoloft and things make the world burst out of its brackets. It's all going away now... going... going... gone...
If it matters... I haven't done it since my last post.
Devin Townsend is the shit.
Summer's here, the sunlight greets the day
The winter's gone here's no more rain today
And if I could, I'm sure that I would take your pain away
So ain't it funny how after trying to find my way home
I'm in the middle now and I won't get lost again
Cause in the winter time when everything is grey
And in the summer time into the month of May
I get a feeling that it's all so temporary
And that's the feeling that can take my blues away
Tired of the way that I'm feeling everyday
And I feel it in my head Tired of the way that I'm feeling everyday
And I feel it in my head now
It's beautiful, the way it's meant to be... beautiful, but it 'don't do shit' for me...
So peel away a little skin and choke upon the bone
And ain't it funny how after trying to find my way home,
I'm in the middle now and I won't get lost again.
But you don't know how or when it's gonna go
You don't know.
-Devin Townsend "Stagnant"
as of 830 pm tonight i will be inpatient at The Zucker Hillside Hospital in glen oaks. I'm going to get some help. Much needed help. Hopefully I will have what it takes to tough it out for as long as I need to be in there for. Everyone I know who has been there says its a wonderful place.
Wish me luck.
Im in so much pain right now...
It feels like someones standing on my chest.
Someone help me. help me help me help me help me help me... PLEASE?
I hate it when people lie to themselves about their feelings for other people.
I miss her today. More than I did yesterday. I miss her cute little "laments" in the morning.
I'm gonna go to the prayer meeting today. I need to get myself on track. It's not Gods fault that she's fucking crazy. I need to stop taking it out on him.
I think it only hurts because I was replaced. What about me is so easy to replace? I just want someone to love me.
1...2...3...!
And if I had something to say to you I'd whisper it softly,
K-kiss you on your rosy lips and never let you off me
Shiver shiver on your roof and see your face lit by starlight
Hold you through the night and watch that Colorado sunrise.
I've got five fingers on each hand for every mistake that I've made
Cause my tongue is tied to tonsils and I need to shit and shave
I'm a shade too pale for handsome and have habits I can't shake
And if you try to take that from me well I'll never be the same
Train wreck, that I am
And I am what I am what I am
What I am, a train wreck, that I am
And I am what I am what I am
What I am, a train wreck
And as long as it's okay with you I think I'll stay right here
I got no where to go cause where to go is up to you, dear
Happy as a clam I see the glimmer in your eyes
Hold you through the night and watch that Colorado sunrise
No car and never cared cared because I got no place to go
But in a room, a single wall I couldn't pay a plant to grow
You can try and make this pretty, pick up all my dirty clothes
And if you never really get me then I guess
you'll never know the
Train wreck, that I am
And I am what I am what I am
Ahat I am, a trainwreck that I am
And I am what I am what I am
What I am, a trainwreck
I've got five fingers on each hand for every mistake that I've made
Cause my tongue is tied to tonsils and I need to shit and shave
I'm a shade too pale for handsome and have habits I can't shake
And if you try to take that from me well I wouldn't be the same
Trainwreck that I am
And I am what I am what I am
(Colorado sunrise)
What I am, a trainwreck
That I am
And I am what I am what I am
(colorado sunrise)
What I am, trainwreck.
That I am
(If I had something to say to you I'd whisper it softly)
And I am what I am what I am
(Kiss you on your rosey lips and never let you off me)
What I am, a trainwreck
That I am
(shiver on your roof see your face lit by starlight)
And I am what I am what I am
(Hold you through the night and watch that Colorado sunrise)
What I am, a trainwreck.
-3 OH! 3 "Colorado Sunrise"
No one actually wants to help. They just want to pity me...
"Oh did you see Will recently; he's going crazy."
FUCK YOU ASSHOLES!!!! I wish you would all just disappear.
Everyday... It gets harder to breathe. When the walls close in, I panic. I feel like I'm drowning.
Save me please. Someone make the tears stop. Please.
Train wreck, that I am
And I am what I am what I am
What I am, a train wreck, that I am
And I am what I am what I am
What I am, a train wreck
I hate myself... OR>>>better yet... I've lost my love of life. I must hide it because I'm 23 a year old male and behavior like this is unacceptable. I just don't know how to stop it. How do I stop it? anyone? Any advice?
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